Pauline’s Notebook

Written by Celz

As I hold a sleeping Emma in my arms, I reflect on the past 10 weeks as a new mother. It has been a huge rollercoaster of emotions- joy, contentment, frustration, peace.. just to name a few. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.. essays and exams seem like a breeze compared to motherhood!!

Some days have been so difficult- days (and nights) where I just sit and cry as I hold my crying baby because I’m just too tired to continue trying to settle her. During these times, I ask God to take this hardship away, I ask Him to please please settle her, please give me some rest, please help her feel better. Of course all of these things eventually happen by God’s grace! But they don’t happen straight away when I want them to.. she might not settle til hours after I’ve begun praying that prayer and often I endure hours of endless crying, breastfeeding and exhaustion. Yet I trust that God continues to be faithful in answering my prayers- not in the way I expect and hope for.. but in the way He thinks is good for me.

I feel God has been teaching me this lesson over the past 10 weeks- that what He gives me may not be what I ask for but it is the best thing for me. For the past 10 weeks, He hasn’t given me the perfect baby who sleeps, eats and is happy all the time.. instead He’s given me tough times, sleepless nights and an unwell baby! Why am I thankful for this? Because He’s also moulded me to become more dependent on Him, more trusting of Him and more understanding of how hard it must’ve been for Him to send His only Son to the cross for me. I’ve never been as reliant on God as I am now, I’ve never felt so helpless and overwhelmed.

What good things has He given me? He’s made me more like His Son Jesus.. what more could I want than this?

My favourite Christian artist, Sara Groves writes two songs that contain lyrics that express this. I love Sara’s songs because she writes songs that say it as it is with such honesty. She isn’t afraid to tell the world how she deals with her struggles and often they echo my own and speak right into my heart.

And I feel you here
And you’re picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

(From: Less like scars- from the album “All right here”- Sara Groves)

I keep wanting you to be fair
But that’s not what you said
I want certain answers to these prayers
But that’s not what you said

When I get to heaven I’m gonna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken and faithful

(From: What I thought I wanted- from the album “The other side of something” - Sara Groves)

I’ll end this post with Sara’s final line from that last song…

“I want to be broken, peaceful, faithful, grateful”