Pauline’s Notebook

This is an extract from a talk written for the Gracepoint Parents Group. It has being broken down into 4 parts. To continue reading the rest of the talk, click on the link to part IV.

Forbearance and Forgiveness

Loving our in-laws will not be easy. I think most people would agree that it’s almost heroic to love those who persecute us (like persecuted Christians among the third world). But to love our in-laws… its a daily struggle and the daily little conflicts that fester and boil is just so much harder. It is much much easier to live far way from your in-laws. The world teaches us that if people are just too difficult to get along with, then avoid them. But the Colossians 3 passage tells us otherwise. We are to bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances we have with each other.

(I) Forbearance

Forbearance by definition is tolerance and restraint in the face of provocation. Angry outbursts, avoidance of, or passive aggressiveness are all the opposite to forbearance. Some define forbearance as patience. In most cases, the power we possess over our in-laws are ourselves and our children. We can dictate how much time they get to see our family depending on where we choose to live or how open we are to having them over. Sometimes, when we are provoked by our in-laws, we might use our rights to stop our in-laws from spending time with our kids. To think like that is sinful. You cannot bear with each other if you are not allowing your in-laws and your family to spend time with each other. We need to constantly challenge ourselves to stop avoiding them or purposely living far away from them just so to avoid working on our relationship with them.

(ii) Forgiveness

Now, let’s talk about forgiveness. I know of a couple who live next door to the husband’s parents. Many years ago, the DIL got angry at something her FIL said. Up to this day, she has not spoken to nor acknowledged his presence and they still live next door to each other! In the words of DA Carson, there is something profoundly evil about nurturing a resentment of this order for many years. So often we allow what our in-laws have said to us, to fester and boil for many years. We even go so far as to allow it to cripple us - to lose sleep over it, to allow our minds to keep thinking about it over and over again. We allow past hurts to cripple our lives and our relationships. Yet look at how Jesus responds to those who actively sought to kill Him on the cross. He prays that our Heavenly Father may forgive them. We need to constantly forgive our in-laws even if they have wronged us. It is a daily approach to the foot of the cross, to remember how we ourselves need forgiveness for wronging Jesus and those around us. We are all people bought by the blood of the lamb of God in need of forgiveness – we are all in the same boat.

Tough Love

So far, it all sounds like we’re going to be doormats and let our in-laws get away with everything. So, when is tough love necessary and when can we be confrontational? Well, there is just anger. Jesus certainly showed that at the temple when he overturned the market tables. But that anger was a just and confrontational anger, directed at those who did not give God His deserved glory, honor and praise. When we get angry, is it because God was not glorified or did we get angry because we were not glorified? There has only ever being a few times where I’ve had to be confrontational towards my mother-in-law. And my idea of being confrontational is a gentle but firm conversation in private with my MIL. So, what would I put on the line between myself and my MIL? I would have to say that the only thing worth fighting for, is my godliness, my family’s godliness and her godliness. Everything else is not worth fighting for.

To continue reading the rest of the talk, click on the link to part IV.