Pauline’s Notebook

Euge recently wrote about the call for Christian men to step up in their leadership at home and beyond. Since, I also happen to be preparing a similar topic for our monthly Mums and Bubs group, it seemed appropriate to make this my title. This issue is to address our responsibilities as women in our roles as wife and mother.

When we think of conflicts within our marriage or even in our going out stage, how do you generally picture the female? Do you picture her as the one doing a lot of talking and hand waving? Is she usually upset with the guy for something he did or didn’t do? Women, before we raise an issue we have with our husbands, we need to ask ourselves first 2 things:

1. ‘Should I even be raising this issue with him? Is it an area of godliness I need to address first within myself?’

2. ‘Am I going to frustrate him with what I am about to say, or challenge him in a godly manner?’

The bible gives us an example of how we should not behave as a wife and how we should behave as a wife.

How we SHOULD NOT behave.

¹⁵ A quarrelsome wife is like
a constant dripping on a rainy day; (Proverbs 27:15)

Wives, we should not frustrate our husbands. We should not act in such a manner that drives our husbands away from the home. Your husband should be able to say to you constantly that no matter how frustrating work can be, he treasures the moment when he drives round the corner nearing home, thankful that he can come home to a safe haven. Your presence at home should be an environment where he can feel safe and be heard and understood. Some people would read this and say - this person is telling me to be a doormat. Well, no! On the contrary. I have addressed many ‘disappointments’ I have had of Euge a number of times - disappointments with regards to his commitments to the family, to the home maintenance and to his leadership in the home. These issues are not necessarily wrong in themselves to raise.  Done rightly, they convey the message to him that ‘I lean on him’ - its a godly pressure on him to step up. But, when I do raise these issues with Euge, the question is, how did I do it? Did I just frustrate him or did I challenge him in a godly way?

How we SHOULD behave.

Read Proverbs 31.

The world conveys the message that a female needs to be a super-woman, to be able to offer their husband the acquired qualities of cooking, cleaning and raising the children, even work part-time if necessary. Proverbs 31 is about a woman who recognises her abilities and utilises them in a God fearing way. She works hard and she brings honour to her husband. A man will look for a wife to love just for who she is and not what she can do for him. If he was, he would have just hired a cook and cleaner. Ladies, does your husband regularly embrace you and say ‘I love you’?. A husband who adores his wife will be proud of her for she demonstrates her passions and abilities in the way God created her. She’s enterprising and uses the gifts that God gives her in a worthy manner. She complements him, utilising and recognising the different roles that they have yet also knowing they are equal in God’s sight. She will be pure in heart, hard working, takes care of those in need, doesn’t give in to idleness or idle talk and loves her husband and children (Titus 2). She glorifies God and fears Him.

Please step down and allow your husband to step up

Here is an example. One friend who happens to be a father of 2 growing kids was telling me that they spend a lot of time, money and effort on giving their kids the best opportunities in life - in their education and more. Their kids attend mid-week sport lessons, music lessons and have extra tuition on the weekends. Despite all this, his wife will constantly worry when the kids are not studying hard enough or not getting the same opportunities as the other child down the road. My friend tells me that the root of the problem is that the women gather together (especially those with more time on their hands) and they talk, and they talk, and then they compare. Then his wife feels their child needs to keep up or they’ll lose out. So, she’ll go home and insist that he (husband) needs to pay for this and that. Now, this husband tells me that he’s done his research and found that giving his children certain opportunities may not necessarily mean they will get a desired outcome. It depends on a whole host of factors. But, this did not deter his wife and she will not listen. She says, she is the one who stays at home and so she knows whats best for their kids. She doesn’t step down and so the husband gives in - for the sake of peace. Mums, what message do you want to convey to your children as they grow up with regards to how they view your roles - as a wife and mother and as a husband and father? Your children will watch you in all your decision making - big and little.

Ladies, let me encourage you to consciously step down on certain things to allow your husbands to step up. It takes humility to bite our tongue and it takes courage, strength and trust in our Lord to allow our husbands to make certain decisions. Our world has not taught us this and never will.

(This article was prepared for the Gracepoint Monthly Mums and Bub Group.)

Resources I recommend:

For Husbands

- ‘Looking for Men to Step Up.‘ - an article by my husband, Eugene Hor

- ‘Father Time‘ by Daniel Petre.

For Wives

- Carolyn Mahaney talks from Sovereign Grace Ministries. Free mp3 downloads.

For Husbands and Wives

- ‘Biblical Manhood and Womanhood‘ talk by Dr. Wayne Grudem. Free mp3 download.

- ‘Safe Haven Marriage‘ by Archibald D. Hart

- Marriage Conferences

- ‘How To Get the Family You’ve Always Wanted’ by Martin Sanders

I stole this title from one of the myriad of books I have read in the past. I couldn’t get this title out of my mind so I figured I’d better put it down.

What did the original author intend in this title? I believe it’s to highlight 2 things:

1. Pagans believe in family values.

2. Believing parents share similar values to their pagan friends. That when children enter their world, parents can become so consumed by them and for their future, that they can easily forget their number one priority is to Jesus.

So, as followers of Christ, how can we tell if we are raising a family that honors God? I believe the answer to that question comes from the mouths of babes themselves. If you have schooling - adult aged children, try asking them if they know they are truly loved by you (mum and dad). If the answer is a quick and honest YES, then thank God! Then ask them if they know of anyone else whom mum and dad love even more than them. If the answer to that question is Jesus, then praise Him even more!

Our children need to see that God is first and foremost in all the family decision making, in our conversations and actions, in how we raise them and what values we instill in them, to how we treat others and how we see the importance of regular church attendance.

When you see kids catch the same vision as their faithful and believing parents - just watch family evangelism in action!

On the flip side, I want to share something I had to learn as a pastor’s wife and something we need accountability on. Not to equate our love for God with ‘ministry’. There are many kids out there who have parents in full-time ministry.  They will tell you that they often feel there is an extra child in their family. That child is called ‘Ministry’ or ‘Church’ and sometimes they feel that “Ministry’/'Church’ is more loved than the actual child themselves. Both my husband and I, need to be extra careful that my children will believe beyond doubt that they are truly loved by us. Only then can they embrace the same love for God as we do. See my link for further thoughts on ‘ministry’.

Having a baby does not have to mean we have to stop the things we are passionate about. For me, I have always wanted to serve people to continue in their walk with the Lord and for reaching out to people. I would like to share some things I have done while with 2 young pre-school kids. This is to encourage those who are expecting a child or have young children that starting a family can also bring about many forms of outreach to others.

Start/Attend a Church run Mother’s Group

Meeting every fortnight at my place. We had a regular attendance of 4-5 mums. I had a helper come to look after the kiddies. We did various things - covering a book on Christian parenting, guest speaker, bible readings, craft events (book binding) and topicals where each mum took turns preparing one topic. Everyone brought a plate of morning tea to share. Our time slot was 10-12pm which suited the varied age ranges of babies/toddlers. We did not do lunch afterwards. I personally met up with the kids helper for 1-1 discipleship after the mums left. The other mums seemed to have other things to do - so ending at 12pm was good for everyone.

1-1 discipleship with a younger female.

I have been meeting up with one particular woman in 1-1 discipleship for many years now. We have covered many books, bible studies, laughter, tears and prayers together. It has been such a fruitful time for both of us. You might ask - how did you give your child attention during that time? Aha! Be creative, I used to do 1-1 in a playground, praying with this young lady while swinging my child. Anything is possible!

Start/Attend a Church run Playgroup.

Help start a church run playgroup if a venue is suitable. I helped start a Friday Playgroup along with a partnering church - it still exists today and draws in many carers and children in the local area. This was the best avenue to reach out to the local mums. In fact, it was how I could introduce a mum to our Mother’s group which exposed her to many Christian workshops/talks/fellowship.

1-1 discipleship with another mum.

Can be tricky especially when both our kids need constant attention. I tried this with another mum for a short period. Despite the trick-ness I still thank God for the opportunities we had. Even a chance to pray together and study the bible together is a rewarding time spent!

Join the Public School P&C
I had good intentions to reach out to mums this way. However, I found that I spent most of the time really working on fund raising events like BBQ, canteen, fairs, etc. Very little impact on building deeper relationships with individual mums. I did however, have the opportunity to ask one or two mums I got to know better to evangelistic events and church.

Prayer Group

This quickly morphed to a Christianity Explained Group (below). During its 3 months life span, it was a great time to build my relationship with another Christian mum and prayers of reaching out to the local mums were quickly answered.

Christianity Explained Group

Spent an enjoyable year doing a Christianity Course to local mums from my child’s school. Somehow, one mum asked another mum and their friends joined. It was a very memorable time and hopefully seeds were sown. In this particular case, because I was leading it, I did have to engage a helper to take care of my little one. I did find that if there are other kids around of similar age, my child was happily occupied and I did not need a helper.

Working Part-time

Doing part-time work has so far given me the most exposure to reaching out to the 21st Century DINKs. I am able to spend all my lunch breaks going for lunch walks and talking to the working parents about my family values, church life etc. Compared to all the other forms of outreach, this one has been the most fruitful. I have made a much more deeper impact making friendships from work because I am with them 3 days a week, 8 hours a day. They have even come over on weekends with their kids and joined us in a family prayer and meal.

Conclusion: All forms of outreach are good. Whatever stage of life, remain faithful to
God’s command and reaching out. God will have His way and call upon those He has mercy. We are just to remain faithful and be a salt and light to the world no matter what we do.