Pauline’s Notebook

This is an extract from a talk written for the Gracepoint Parents Group. It has being broken down into 4 parts. To continue reading the rest of the talk, click on the link to part II.

We do not Love

Scriptures tell us that due to sin, relationships are broken. Yet despite broken relationships, we still see in some marriages, a love that is special and good. But, even in the most devoted couples, there are the “in-laws”. There is a common saying that we get to choose who we marry but we did not get to choose whose family we are to marry into. Sometimes marriages do get rocky but we do love our husbands. It’s easier to love our husbands because we chose to love them. It’s like how most people have a little circle of ‘in people’ - those whom they find easier to love. We chose our husbands so its easier to love them – but we certainly did not choose our in-laws! Now here is the challenge … bible passages that speak the language of love towards our husbands – agape love (unconditional) - is also the same love language Scripture uses towards those around us. In other words, we are told to have the same agape love towards our in-laws as we do towards our husbands. The tensions we get relating to our in-laws are pressure points but when we respond with anger or revenge onto our in-laws, we sin against them. We do not love them. We do not love them when we get angry and complain about them. We do not love them when we set boundaries up to avoid seeing them. We do not love them when we stop our children from seeing them.

Why we need to Love

We are called to love them because God loves them. God’s love has providential love. In other words, He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous (Matt 5:45). His love is unconditional to all people, so much so, that He sends His Son Jesus to die for all, the righteous for the unrighteous – thats you, me, your spouse, your family, your friends and your enemies. Yet in this broken world, most people love those who are like them and resent those who are different. Jesus tells us to love our enemies – a love that is rich and costly. We love even when it’s hard to love, because it marks us as the children of our Heavenly Father. We love even when it’s hard to love, because that shows our transformation of becoming more like Jesus (Rom 5:8). We love because that is our calling. We love because we know that God is sovereign and He alone will exact justice on those who wrong us. And finally, we love because of the promises and hope that is to come, comes with many blessings.

To continue reading the rest of the talk, click on the link to part II.

This is an extract from a talk written for the Gracepoint Parents Group. It has being broken down into 4 parts. To continue reading the rest of the talk, click on the link to part III.

How we can Love

And this is how we can show love to them. Col 3:12-14 says. Therefore as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them altogether in perfect unity.

(i) Love through our virtues

Do you exhibit these virtues when you relate to your in-laws? Are you patient, kind and gentle to them? Or do you fester quietly inside and later rant and rave to your husbands afterwards? Love is not about being nice but rather loving those who can be overbearingly hard to love. When your in-law criticizes you about how poorly you feed your child, respond with gentleness. When your in-law openly expresses his/her expectations to you about your role as a wife or mother, respond with kindness and humility. When your in-law disciplines your child without your consent, respond with patience. We do this because we are God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved.

(ii) Love before Sacrifice

The irony is that many of us are quite involved in church ministry. We spend time and effort being involved in small group ministries, or music ministry or 1-1 discipleship. Yet in private, do we work at loving those closest to us? We harbor our grievances about our in-laws in private and then we air our gifts in public. How do we know we are a child of God? By our services to Him? No! Jesus says in John 13:35, “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” If you are having conflicts, Jesus says in Matthew 5:24…First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

(iv) Love through our actions

For some of us there are no conflicts because we hardly see our in-laws due to other reasons like language barrier or distance. To love someone does not mean we need to communicate in any deep level. ‘The Five Love Languages’, says that expressing love doesn’t need to be said but rather shown in our actions like regularly visiting them or helping them through acts of service. For the past 5 years, every Friday my in-laws would spend the whole day together. I don’t have to join them – they are, after all only my in-laws and not my immediate family. Eugene isn’t there either, he’s still working. But, I allocate most Fridays with them. I know that it speaks loudly that I care about them if I spend time with them. Some afternoons, I will visit my MIL 1-1 just to see how she’s going with no real agenda - I just hang with her. Those years of giving them my time speaks the language of love to them. If distance is an issue, then weekly phone calls and regular updates on emails show them that you are thinking of them and love them.

To continue reading the rest of the talk, click on the link to part III.

This is an extract from a talk written for the Gracepoint Parents Group. It has being broken down into 4 parts. To continue reading the rest of the talk, click on the link to part IV.

Forbearance and Forgiveness

Loving our in-laws will not be easy. I think most people would agree that it’s almost heroic to love those who persecute us (like persecuted Christians among the third world). But to love our in-laws… its a daily struggle and the daily little conflicts that fester and boil is just so much harder. It is much much easier to live far way from your in-laws. The world teaches us that if people are just too difficult to get along with, then avoid them. But the Colossians 3 passage tells us otherwise. We are to bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances we have with each other.

(I) Forbearance

Forbearance by definition is tolerance and restraint in the face of provocation. Angry outbursts, avoidance of, or passive aggressiveness are all the opposite to forbearance. Some define forbearance as patience. In most cases, the power we possess over our in-laws are ourselves and our children. We can dictate how much time they get to see our family depending on where we choose to live or how open we are to having them over. Sometimes, when we are provoked by our in-laws, we might use our rights to stop our in-laws from spending time with our kids. To think like that is sinful. You cannot bear with each other if you are not allowing your in-laws and your family to spend time with each other. We need to constantly challenge ourselves to stop avoiding them or purposely living far away from them just so to avoid working on our relationship with them.

(ii) Forgiveness

Now, let’s talk about forgiveness. I know of a couple who live next door to the husband’s parents. Many years ago, the DIL got angry at something her FIL said. Up to this day, she has not spoken to nor acknowledged his presence and they still live next door to each other! In the words of DA Carson, there is something profoundly evil about nurturing a resentment of this order for many years. So often we allow what our in-laws have said to us, to fester and boil for many years. We even go so far as to allow it to cripple us - to lose sleep over it, to allow our minds to keep thinking about it over and over again. We allow past hurts to cripple our lives and our relationships. Yet look at how Jesus responds to those who actively sought to kill Him on the cross. He prays that our Heavenly Father may forgive them. We need to constantly forgive our in-laws even if they have wronged us. It is a daily approach to the foot of the cross, to remember how we ourselves need forgiveness for wronging Jesus and those around us. We are all people bought by the blood of the lamb of God in need of forgiveness – we are all in the same boat.

Tough Love

So far, it all sounds like we’re going to be doormats and let our in-laws get away with everything. So, when is tough love necessary and when can we be confrontational? Well, there is just anger. Jesus certainly showed that at the temple when he overturned the market tables. But that anger was a just and confrontational anger, directed at those who did not give God His deserved glory, honor and praise. When we get angry, is it because God was not glorified or did we get angry because we were not glorified? There has only ever being a few times where I’ve had to be confrontational towards my mother-in-law. And my idea of being confrontational is a gentle but firm conversation in private with my MIL. So, what would I put on the line between myself and my MIL? I would have to say that the only thing worth fighting for, is my godliness, my family’s godliness and her godliness. Everything else is not worth fighting for.

To continue reading the rest of the talk, click on the link to part IV.

An Example: The Love Story of Ruth and Naomi

I want to end off with a true and beautiful love story between a DIL and a MIL. The story of Ruth and Naomi is an inspiring story. Ruth’s husband had already died and she was not obligated to remain with her MIL. With no husband and no more sons, Naomi the MIL was left with nothing. So Naomi told her DILs to go back to their own mothers. One of the DIL did go back home to her family but Ruth clung to her MIL Naomi, saying, “Where you die, I will die and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me.” (Ruth 1:16,17). Can you ever imagine saying that to your MIL?! And I don’t think Naomi (now a widow and without sons) was a very easy person to live with either. She even renamed herself as Mara (Ruth 1:20) meaning ‘bitter’. Yet, Ruth a foreigner, a Moabite, followed Naomi back to Bethlehem. Ruth worked diligently all day in the fields to provide food for her MIL, while her MIL stayed in town (Ruth 2:17,18). Ruth had already gained a reputation because of her love, faithfulness and kindness to her MIL and that was what caught Boaz’s attention (Ruth 2:11). Ruth always listened without question, to her MIL’s instructions (Ruth 2:22,23) even to what seemed like a crazy idea to lie at a man’s feet in the middle of the night (Ruth 3:1-6). And finally, Ruth’s obedience, love and faithfulness to her MIL, eventually allowed her MIL Naomi to restore her name among the people of Israel. See what is said of Naomi because of Ruth. 14 The women (in town) said to Naomi: “Praise be to the LORD, who this day has not left you without a kinsman-redeemer… He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age. For your daughter-in-law, who loves you and who is better to you than seven sons, has given him birth.“ Ruth 4:14-15.

Ruth was shown by Scripture to be a woman of God because of her love for her MIL, how beautiful is that? By her virtues alone, she was shown to be a child of God, chosen and dearly loved.

So, let us remember to love our in-laws just like Ruth did, with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Let bear with our in-laws and forgive them because we are God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved. Amen.