Pauline’s Notebook

This is an extract from a talk written for the Gracepoint Parents Group. It has being broken down into 4 parts. To continue reading the rest of the talk, click on the link to part II.

We do not Love

Scriptures tell us that due to sin, relationships are broken. Yet despite broken relationships, we still see in some marriages, a love that is special and good. But, even in the most devoted couples, there are the “in-laws”. There is a common saying that we get to choose who we marry but we did not get to choose whose family we are to marry into. Sometimes marriages do get rocky but we do love our husbands. It’s easier to love our husbands because we chose to love them. It’s like how most people have a little circle of ‘in people’ - those whom they find easier to love. We chose our husbands so its easier to love them – but we certainly did not choose our in-laws! Now here is the challenge … bible passages that speak the language of love towards our husbands – agape love (unconditional) - is also the same love language Scripture uses towards those around us. In other words, we are told to have the same agape love towards our in-laws as we do towards our husbands. The tensions we get relating to our in-laws are pressure points but when we respond with anger or revenge onto our in-laws, we sin against them. We do not love them. We do not love them when we get angry and complain about them. We do not love them when we set boundaries up to avoid seeing them. We do not love them when we stop our children from seeing them.

Why we need to Love

We are called to love them because God loves them. God’s love has providential love. In other words, He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous (Matt 5:45). His love is unconditional to all people, so much so, that He sends His Son Jesus to die for all, the righteous for the unrighteous – thats you, me, your spouse, your family, your friends and your enemies. Yet in this broken world, most people love those who are like them and resent those who are different. Jesus tells us to love our enemies – a love that is rich and costly. We love even when it’s hard to love, because it marks us as the children of our Heavenly Father. We love even when it’s hard to love, because that shows our transformation of becoming more like Jesus (Rom 5:8). We love because that is our calling. We love because we know that God is sovereign and He alone will exact justice on those who wrong us. And finally, we love because of the promises and hope that is to come, comes with many blessings.

To continue reading the rest of the talk, click on the link to part II.

This is an extract from a talk written for the Gracepoint Parents Group. It has being broken down into 4 parts. To continue reading the rest of the talk, click on the link to part III.

How we can Love

And this is how we can show love to them. Col 3:12-14 says. Therefore as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them altogether in perfect unity.

(i) Love through our virtues

Do you exhibit these virtues when you relate to your in-laws? Are you patient, kind and gentle to them? Or do you fester quietly inside and later rant and rave to your husbands afterwards? Love is not about being nice but rather loving those who can be overbearingly hard to love. When your in-law criticizes you about how poorly you feed your child, respond with gentleness. When your in-law openly expresses his/her expectations to you about your role as a wife or mother, respond with kindness and humility. When your in-law disciplines your child without your consent, respond with patience. We do this because we are God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved.

(ii) Love before Sacrifice

The irony is that many of us are quite involved in church ministry. We spend time and effort being involved in small group ministries, or music ministry or 1-1 discipleship. Yet in private, do we work at loving those closest to us? We harbor our grievances about our in-laws in private and then we air our gifts in public. How do we know we are a child of God? By our services to Him? No! Jesus says in John 13:35, “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” If you are having conflicts, Jesus says in Matthew 5:24…First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

(iv) Love through our actions

For some of us there are no conflicts because we hardly see our in-laws due to other reasons like language barrier or distance. To love someone does not mean we need to communicate in any deep level. ‘The Five Love Languages’, says that expressing love doesn’t need to be said but rather shown in our actions like regularly visiting them or helping them through acts of service. For the past 5 years, every Friday my in-laws would spend the whole day together. I don’t have to join them – they are, after all only my in-laws and not my immediate family. Eugene isn’t there either, he’s still working. But, I allocate most Fridays with them. I know that it speaks loudly that I care about them if I spend time with them. Some afternoons, I will visit my MIL 1-1 just to see how she’s going with no real agenda - I just hang with her. Those years of giving them my time speaks the language of love to them. If distance is an issue, then weekly phone calls and regular updates on emails show them that you are thinking of them and love them.

To continue reading the rest of the talk, click on the link to part III.

This is an extract from a talk written for the Gracepoint Parents Group. It has being broken down into 4 parts. To continue reading the rest of the talk, click on the link to part IV.

Forbearance and Forgiveness

Loving our in-laws will not be easy. I think most people would agree that it’s almost heroic to love those who persecute us (like persecuted Christians among the third world). But to love our in-laws… its a daily struggle and the daily little conflicts that fester and boil is just so much harder. It is much much easier to live far way from your in-laws. The world teaches us that if people are just too difficult to get along with, then avoid them. But the Colossians 3 passage tells us otherwise. We are to bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances we have with each other.

(I) Forbearance

Forbearance by definition is tolerance and restraint in the face of provocation. Angry outbursts, avoidance of, or passive aggressiveness are all the opposite to forbearance. Some define forbearance as patience. In most cases, the power we possess over our in-laws are ourselves and our children. We can dictate how much time they get to see our family depending on where we choose to live or how open we are to having them over. Sometimes, when we are provoked by our in-laws, we might use our rights to stop our in-laws from spending time with our kids. To think like that is sinful. You cannot bear with each other if you are not allowing your in-laws and your family to spend time with each other. We need to constantly challenge ourselves to stop avoiding them or purposely living far away from them just so to avoid working on our relationship with them.

(ii) Forgiveness

Now, let’s talk about forgiveness. I know of a couple who live next door to the husband’s parents. Many years ago, the DIL got angry at something her FIL said. Up to this day, she has not spoken to nor acknowledged his presence and they still live next door to each other! In the words of DA Carson, there is something profoundly evil about nurturing a resentment of this order for many years. So often we allow what our in-laws have said to us, to fester and boil for many years. We even go so far as to allow it to cripple us - to lose sleep over it, to allow our minds to keep thinking about it over and over again. We allow past hurts to cripple our lives and our relationships. Yet look at how Jesus responds to those who actively sought to kill Him on the cross. He prays that our Heavenly Father may forgive them. We need to constantly forgive our in-laws even if they have wronged us. It is a daily approach to the foot of the cross, to remember how we ourselves need forgiveness for wronging Jesus and those around us. We are all people bought by the blood of the lamb of God in need of forgiveness – we are all in the same boat.

Tough Love

So far, it all sounds like we’re going to be doormats and let our in-laws get away with everything. So, when is tough love necessary and when can we be confrontational? Well, there is just anger. Jesus certainly showed that at the temple when he overturned the market tables. But that anger was a just and confrontational anger, directed at those who did not give God His deserved glory, honor and praise. When we get angry, is it because God was not glorified or did we get angry because we were not glorified? There has only ever being a few times where I’ve had to be confrontational towards my mother-in-law. And my idea of being confrontational is a gentle but firm conversation in private with my MIL. So, what would I put on the line between myself and my MIL? I would have to say that the only thing worth fighting for, is my godliness, my family’s godliness and her godliness. Everything else is not worth fighting for.

To continue reading the rest of the talk, click on the link to part IV.

An Example: The Love Story of Ruth and Naomi

I want to end off with a true and beautiful love story between a DIL and a MIL. The story of Ruth and Naomi is an inspiring story. Ruth’s husband had already died and she was not obligated to remain with her MIL. With no husband and no more sons, Naomi the MIL was left with nothing. So Naomi told her DILs to go back to their own mothers. One of the DIL did go back home to her family but Ruth clung to her MIL Naomi, saying, “Where you die, I will die and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me.” (Ruth 1:16,17). Can you ever imagine saying that to your MIL?! And I don’t think Naomi (now a widow and without sons) was a very easy person to live with either. She even renamed herself as Mara (Ruth 1:20) meaning ‘bitter’. Yet, Ruth a foreigner, a Moabite, followed Naomi back to Bethlehem. Ruth worked diligently all day in the fields to provide food for her MIL, while her MIL stayed in town (Ruth 2:17,18). Ruth had already gained a reputation because of her love, faithfulness and kindness to her MIL and that was what caught Boaz’s attention (Ruth 2:11). Ruth always listened without question, to her MIL’s instructions (Ruth 2:22,23) even to what seemed like a crazy idea to lie at a man’s feet in the middle of the night (Ruth 3:1-6). And finally, Ruth’s obedience, love and faithfulness to her MIL, eventually allowed her MIL Naomi to restore her name among the people of Israel. See what is said of Naomi because of Ruth. 14 The women (in town) said to Naomi: “Praise be to the LORD, who this day has not left you without a kinsman-redeemer… He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age. For your daughter-in-law, who loves you and who is better to you than seven sons, has given him birth.“ Ruth 4:14-15.

Ruth was shown by Scripture to be a woman of God because of her love for her MIL, how beautiful is that? By her virtues alone, she was shown to be a child of God, chosen and dearly loved.

So, let us remember to love our in-laws just like Ruth did, with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Let bear with our in-laws and forgive them because we are God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved. Amen.

Euge recently wrote about the call for Christian men to step up in their leadership at home and beyond. Since, I also happen to be preparing a similar topic for our monthly Mums and Bubs group, it seemed appropriate to make this my title. This issue is to address our responsibilities as women in our roles as wife and mother.

When we think of conflicts within our marriage or even in our going out stage, how do you generally picture the female? Do you picture her as the one doing a lot of talking and hand waving? Is she usually upset with the guy for something he did or didn’t do? Women, before we raise an issue we have with our husbands, we need to ask ourselves first 2 things:

1. ‘Should I even be raising this issue with him? Is it an area of godliness I need to address first within myself?’

2. ‘Am I going to frustrate him with what I am about to say, or challenge him in a godly manner?’

The bible gives us an example of how we should not behave as a wife and how we should behave as a wife.

How we SHOULD NOT behave.

¹⁵ A quarrelsome wife is like
a constant dripping on a rainy day; (Proverbs 27:15)

Wives, we should not frustrate our husbands. We should not act in such a manner that drives our husbands away from the home. Your husband should be able to say to you constantly that no matter how frustrating work can be, he treasures the moment when he drives round the corner nearing home, thankful that he can come home to a safe haven. Your presence at home should be an environment where he can feel safe and be heard and understood. Some people would read this and say - this person is telling me to be a doormat. Well, no! On the contrary. I have addressed many ‘disappointments’ I have had of Euge a number of times - disappointments with regards to his commitments to the family, to the home maintenance and to his leadership in the home. These issues are not necessarily wrong in themselves to raise.  Done rightly, they convey the message to him that ‘I lean on him’ - its a godly pressure on him to step up. But, when I do raise these issues with Euge, the question is, how did I do it? Did I just frustrate him or did I challenge him in a godly way?

How we SHOULD behave.

Read Proverbs 31.

The world conveys the message that a female needs to be a super-woman, to be able to offer their husband the acquired qualities of cooking, cleaning and raising the children, even work part-time if necessary. Proverbs 31 is about a woman who recognises her abilities and utilises them in a God fearing way. She works hard and she brings honour to her husband. A man will look for a wife to love just for who she is and not what she can do for him. If he was, he would have just hired a cook and cleaner. Ladies, does your husband regularly embrace you and say ‘I love you’?. A husband who adores his wife will be proud of her for she demonstrates her passions and abilities in the way God created her. She’s enterprising and uses the gifts that God gives her in a worthy manner. She complements him, utilising and recognising the different roles that they have yet also knowing they are equal in God’s sight. She will be pure in heart, hard working, takes care of those in need, doesn’t give in to idleness or idle talk and loves her husband and children (Titus 2). She glorifies God and fears Him.

Please step down and allow your husband to step up

Here is an example. One friend who happens to be a father of 2 growing kids was telling me that they spend a lot of time, money and effort on giving their kids the best opportunities in life - in their education and more. Their kids attend mid-week sport lessons, music lessons and have extra tuition on the weekends. Despite all this, his wife will constantly worry when the kids are not studying hard enough or not getting the same opportunities as the other child down the road. My friend tells me that the root of the problem is that the women gather together (especially those with more time on their hands) and they talk, and they talk, and then they compare. Then his wife feels their child needs to keep up or they’ll lose out. So, she’ll go home and insist that he (husband) needs to pay for this and that. Now, this husband tells me that he’s done his research and found that giving his children certain opportunities may not necessarily mean they will get a desired outcome. It depends on a whole host of factors. But, this did not deter his wife and she will not listen. She says, she is the one who stays at home and so she knows whats best for their kids. She doesn’t step down and so the husband gives in - for the sake of peace. Mums, what message do you want to convey to your children as they grow up with regards to how they view your roles - as a wife and mother and as a husband and father? Your children will watch you in all your decision making - big and little.

Ladies, let me encourage you to consciously step down on certain things to allow your husbands to step up. It takes humility to bite our tongue and it takes courage, strength and trust in our Lord to allow our husbands to make certain decisions. Our world has not taught us this and never will.

(This article was prepared for the Gracepoint Monthly Mums and Bub Group.)

Resources I recommend:

For Husbands

- ‘Looking for Men to Step Up.‘ - an article by my husband, Eugene Hor

- ‘Father Time‘ by Daniel Petre.

For Wives

- Carolyn Mahaney talks from Sovereign Grace Ministries. Free mp3 downloads.

For Husbands and Wives

- ‘Biblical Manhood and Womanhood‘ talk by Dr. Wayne Grudem. Free mp3 download.

- ‘Safe Haven Marriage‘ by Archibald D. Hart

- Marriage Conferences

- ‘How To Get the Family You’ve Always Wanted’ by Martin Sanders

Recently, I’ve been listening to some awesome talks/lectures. First, I listened to a lecture on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood by Wayne Grudem. Then I listened to a series of talks by Carolyn Mahaney and what it means to be created as a ‘helper’. Today, I’ve been enriched from a talk by the same speaker on A Women’s Beauty Regimen: Displaying a Quiet and Gentle Spirit based on 1 Peter 3:3,4. The talks have all being amazing and in my mind I kept thinking, I’m learning heaps and I’m growing heaps!! All is good, I am good. Or so I thought…

Today, I had come home from a full day working at the office. I was already mulling over a conversation I had on the phone with my son while at work that day. Apparently, my husband had treated my son to a new skateboard worth over $200. I was incredulous! In the face of the current economic strains, why would my husband indulge my son on something so exorbitant and unnecessary? And how does it cultivate in my children contentment? As the evening continued, and while having dinner I was quiet towards my husband. I thought that it would be good for me to practice ‘the quiet and gentle spirit’ I have been learning about. So far so good I thought to myself - I was quiet but unnaturally too quiet towards my husband (I now realize this is the wrong kind of quiet). Later that night, when the kids were settling into bed, I looked around their room and to my frustration, I realized that my children had littered the floor with clothes (dirty clothes mixed with clean clothes). By now, I felt that everyone in the house had wronged me - first my husband and now my kids. Well, you can imagine what happened from here on. I was not the ‘quiet and gentle spirit’ I thought I could be. My children were subdued after a much talking to and went to bed in a not-so-happy note. I then went downstairs and pressed the play button on my ipod to continue my ‘learning’ of the quiet and gentle spirit. At this point, my husband came into the room to ask me if anything was wrong. And well, you can once again imagine what happened next. I again was not the ‘quiet and gentle spirit’ I thought I could be. This time it was my husband who left the room subdued after a few minutes of my outpouring over the skateboard matter.

So now you know what happened on this particular day of mine. And I cried out to God. Why can’t I achieve this ‘quiet and gentle spirit’? Why is it so hard? At just the right timing, Carolyn’s talk on my ipod, gently reminded me that everything has a purpose under God’s sovereign plan. He had planned it such that while I was listening to these incredibly enriching talks about the meaning of a ‘quiet and gentle spirit’, God wanted me to experience having a ‘quiet and gentle spirit’! I was truly humbled. All this time of listening and learning was just pure ‘knowledge’. Knowledge needs to lead to the heart as they say. I will naturally live out my true sinful self and I desperately need Jesus to help me. According to Mahaney,  to have a ‘quiet and gentle spirit’ is to have a steadfast peace due to a steadfast trust in God. I certainly did not have a steadfast peace today despite the fact that what was put toward me was really so minute (littered clothes and a husband who spent some money). I cannot imagine what I would be like if my day was on something that really mattered!!

So, I asked God to forgive me tonight for not trusting in him. I asked my children to forgive me for not being patient. I asked my husband to forgive me for deriding him. And I pray that the next time something similar happens to me, that I may have a steadfast peace due to a steadfast trust in my God and thereby attain a quiet and gentle spirit. For it is an unfading beauty and of great worth in God’s sight (1 Peter 3:4). May God have mercy on me.

For me, today was trying to maintain a steadfast peace within my family life. Yet, I can also think of the many women I have met who have felt wronged by others in church or within their own family. Can I say that this passage applies to all of us, in all situations and in all stages of life. We need to ask these following questions in the face of our daily challenges. How can I cultivate a quiet and gentle spirit whatever comes my way? Can I maintain a steadfast peace due to a steadfast trust in our Heavenly Father even though I have been wrongly accused or wrongly done by? The quiet and gentle spirit has all the essence of forgiveness, humility, trust, meekness, joy, contentment and reverence. It bears no hint of anxiousness, pride, contentiousness, revenge, discontentment or anger. It is an unfading beauty and of great worth in God’s sight (1 Peter 3:4). Amen.